


Belief

by bethagain



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Gen, Skywalker, Sorry Not Sorry, Things didn't go so well in Cloud City did they, and Luke had an awful lot to think about, because my head seems to be stuck there lately, once again here we go with the, poor Luke I really need to find him a happy story soon, there was probably a lot of time to think on the way to meet the Alliance fleet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 18:45:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6670468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethagain/pseuds/bethagain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The memory of his friend Biggs helps Luke hold it together on the <i>Falcon</i>'s flight from Cloud City.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Belief

**Author's Note:**

> This came out of trying to one-up [roane](http://archiveofourown.org/users/roane/pseuds/roane) and [bbtree](https://bbtree.tumblr.com) on a tumblr thread of Skywalker-related pain. Roane noticed that Luke's jacket at the end of ANH was too big for him... and bbtree thought maybe it belonged to one of the dead pilots... which evolved into roane's idea that it was BIGGS's jacket... and I got involved somewhere after that and it was all downhill from there.
> 
> Um... thanks?... to you both for the inspiration!

It's quiet on the _Falcon_ , after Cloud City. They’re sailing through that silent swirl of hyperspace, and there’s nothing to do but wait. The galaxy goes on about its business, in that other plane where real time happens and things are moving on without them.

Luke’s lying there in that medbay bunk and Leia’s up in the cockpit, huddled in the pilot’s seat, trying to convince herself that Han’s going to be ok. Her mind is trapped with Han in carbonite. Luke’s mind is stuck at the wall between the simpler past and the wholly complicated now and he can’t even bang his fists against it because he only has one goddamn hand and what does it even _mean_ that he’ll never be whole again.

And he’s been asking Ben for answers but the only thing that comes back is silence. He tries to convince himself that maybe the Force doesn’t work the same in hyperspace but he _knows perfectly well that it does_ because he’ll never forget that trip to where Alderaan used to be. 

Which basically means that Ben Kenobi is a fucking coward, which leads to _Ben Kenobi is a fucking liar?_ which he can’t think about right now, he just _can’t._

He tries to calm his mind, tries to put away Ben’s betrayal (Vader’s lie?) for a later time, but anger and fear keep tumbling over one another and he can’t make them stop. 

He wishes he could talk to Han about it. Han has seen the galaxy. He knows about cheaters, and liars, and figuring out who’s telling the truth in a roomful of scoundrels. He’s sarcastic and cynical and it might sting for a minute but he makes things clear when Luke’s head is spinning. And he’s not here now and it’s Luke’s fault (for not being quick enough, for not being skilled enough, for _falling for it_ but what the hell else was he supposed to _do?_ ). 

He can’t bother Leia or Chewbacca. He doesn’t even know the man who pulled him from the fragile vane below Cloud City, who handed him off to Leia and disappeared through the _Falcon_ ’s cockpit door. 

Luke casts about in memory for someone else he can trust with this secret, with this pain. With this abject _fear._ His uncle would have told him to man up, put it aside, so what, it’s got nothing to do with chores and obligations and getting things done. His aunt would have hugged him and offered sympathy and something to eat. Tears start in his eyes before he pushes that memory down, because it won’t help him at all right now. 

And then he thinks of Biggs.

Biggs who dragged him along on crazy adventures when leaving Tatooine was still a dream, Biggs who gave him crap for his wild ideas but stood up for him when anyone else tried. Biggs who talked the Alliance into putting Luke in an X-wing. Biggs who died keeping TIE fighters off his tail.

Luke focuses on his breathing until it begins to slow, tenses his muscles even more than they already are and then deliberately, carefully relaxes arms, legs, shoulders. He catches hold of a memory, of a friend like an older brother, of laughter on hot, dry days at Tosche Station, of races through canyons, wingtips nearly touching. Of the lightness of his hands on the controls of an ancient T-16 that he and Biggs had salvaged from the junkyard and rebuilt, shoulder to shoulder, in a dusty shed behind the Darklighters’ home.

He casts his thoughts out, shapes them around the memory, reaches for the current that is the Force and slides them into it, lets the memory of his friend stretch out along the shimmering wavelengths. Holds onto that memory even as he sends it out, out, into that other awareness that’s still so much of a mystery.

He can feel it echo along the contours of the entire universe. 

There’s no reply. 

_Did you think there would be?_ he thinks, and there is a strange comfort in the answer. 

Because if Biggs had had a connection to the Force, if he _could_ have answered, it would have meant he’d chosen to keep it hidden... to keep secrets… to leave Luke on his own, all this time. 

To leave him ignorant, on Tatooine. To leave him behind, when the vidcalls from the Academy stopped, when Biggs joined the Alliance and then disappeared.

To leave him with his guilt, after Yavin. 

Luke tugs back on the memory, on the image of a man a few years older than he is, holding a wrench and grinning as he tightens the last bolt on a T-16. On the image of a man who will never _be_ any older, whose stone memorial on a moon of Yavin was already disappearing into the jungle before Luke left atmosphere with the Rebels he’d dreamed of joining.

Biggs never lied to him. The memory is an anchor now in the unsteady sea of _Ben’s? Vader’s?_ lies. 

It’s also an ache of loneliness so deep, for a moment he forgets the pain where his hand used to be. 

Luke forces his eyes open, shoves the memory away, directs his mind back to the _now_ and realizes: there is another anchor. Another point of _trust_ in a suddenly uncertain world.

Han’s still out there, Luke thinks. And whatever it takes, Luke’s going to find him, and he’s going to bring him home.

  



End file.
